It's been a while, but rest assured it's not because I have been sitting at home being boring. Let's just say I have finally found my super power. Apparently, I am the lesser cousin thrice removed of that dastardly comic book anti-hero Magneto, I am...dun dun duuun.... Shit Magnet!!! (Pause for effect)
Let's forget about the fact I have fallen off the workoholic wagon. Instead I am gleefully riding along, playing my banjo as I go. Seriously, work has been relentless. For the last three weeks, we have had someone out for a week, and each time someone is gone, yours truly (Shit Magnet) has to fill in, and it's major event on top of major event. So I'm tired. So on top of having to show up everyday at work, my personal life reeks of one big stink bomb.
Three weeks ago our youngest cat, Timmie looked like she had a tooth abscess. $200.00 later, it was actually identified as a fast metastasizing tumor in her jaw bone. In a week, we had to put her to sleep. Bear in mind, we have been waiting for the other shoe to drop on our 15 year old dog, 22 year old cat and our other 15 year old cat. We did not expect for Timmie to be next. So, put her down one day, back to work the next cause I had Transit to run too.
Two weeks ago we were headed down to Lewiston, excited because finally a day off. I had spent the Saturday before working on our fee requests for work with my boss and the frustration from that drove us to Lewiston. Which from my previous blog on Lewiston Potties, you know is not my favorite place to hang but by the powers of Shit Magnet I was drawn to Lewiston like a fly to...well you get the picture. So it was snowing, it got worse, we had just decided to turn around when around a corner some demon in an 18 wheeler came screaming around the corner, halfway in our lane, splashing a mega ton of slush right into our pathway. We slid a 180 to the right, corrected, slid a 180 to the left, corrected and then a complete 360 right down the middle of the road going around the corner, a cliff on the right, a high hill on the left and a truck pulling a trailer of snowmobiles coming at us in the opposite direction. Now I have never given angels that much thought before, but I swear there must have been an army out there guiding us through this. There is no reason our momentum from that should not have carried us head on into the oncoming truck, but he sped up and we barely missed the trailer, nor was there any reason we should not have smacked right into the hillside. But it was like hitting a wall, our tires barely off the pavement, we stopped. And all we did was look at each other and say, "Ummm, Okay." we backed up, got in our lane, turned around at the next town, came back and had breakfast out, because Shit Magnet is cool and level headed like that. But had to go to work the next day, in fact it was a work week of 5 12 hour days.
And now for the Coup de Grace. Koiboy and I had a happy evening, hit the southfork for 1/2 price happy hour appetizers for dinner, watched TV and went to bed tired. About 5:oo I woke up to the sound of someone walking around upstairs. Half asleep I though, "Stupid ghosts", then I heard a light switch flip on. I was wide awake and grabbed koiboy, there was someone upstairs. First of all, let this be a good lesson on the benefits of wearying PJ's, cause getting quickly robed in the dark when your adrenaline is pumping is damn near impossible. Koiboy headed up stairs, I grabbed the phone and was calling 911 when I heard the voices and struggle up above. I shot up the stairs to see him struggling with some tall kid by the front door. He was drunk, trying to get out, but our screen door was locked and he couldn't figure it out. In the meantime, I was hopping around like Rocky getting irritated with the 911 operator because she kept asking stupid questions, ( I know to keep me on the phone so she could hear what was going on) but I was like, "Can I tag in boss? I want to tag in!!" So I thought, this SOB is NOT getting out of my house and went to slam the backdoor, from whence he came, and dead bolted it. He apparently forced his way in, the door was locked, but being an old house the latch is not that strong. On my way, I was flipping on lights so I could see to be able to kick some Shit Magnet ass, I passed our dining room table. And tickle my ivories and slap me purple if he had not laid a huge smelly deuce on our chair and pissed on the rug. I remember saying to the operator as I passed by, "WTF, he defecated on our chair the bastard, oh, he's toast now" as I slammed the door and locked it. In the meantime, Koiboy was strangely calm, holding on to him saying, "Now you need some help, just sit down, we will get you some." til the cops came, while I'm over there Gladiator-ing him..... "kill kill kill" Koiboy is used to dealing with lumbering drunks and said he had laughing on the inside at how stupid this dude was. But somehow they got around to the backdoor, I'm still on the phone impatiently describing him to 911. It's funny how your mind works. According to my cop friends they said my voice was pretty low and calm and I was using cop language laced with colorful expletives,
"Our intruder is about 6'0, dark jeans, white hoodie with a black tattooing print on it, the perp is trying to get out the backdoor, What!?!? Like a fuckin Justin Beiber haircut only black, I don't know!!!!"
Anyway, once he got sight of the back door the look on his face changed from drunken master to Bilbo Baggins wanting his shiny ring back. With the kitchen knives just a few steps away, I yelled at koiboy to just let him go. So out he went, lumbered up the back hill over the fence and away he ran. I told 911, "the perpetrator is headed toward Fisk St." and hung up. Koiboy went down and washed his feet 15 times cause he stepped in the urine, I tried to find something tragically fashionable and even put my contacts in, Lord wonders why I didn't apply makeup and went up to let the cops in, once they got there 4 minutes too late. They didn't catch him, but knew who he was and was going to pick him up the next evening. He didn't steal anything and we were left in the dark of night, ruffled but Okay with Mr. Hanky "Hi-dee Ho-ing" us from the chair.
I asked the cops if they had a hasmat team to clean itup, but we had to do it, AND take photos to email to them. I told them we would have a big pile of DNA for them in my garbage if they needed it. There's nothing like cleaning up beer poop at 5:00 in the morning, and you can only imagine the poop jokes that ensued for the rest of the day, cause you just have to laugh about it. AND I still went to work later that morning, but that is the power of Shit Magnet.
It was probably a good thing I was on phone duty, because Koiboy was able to keep it from escalating, where as I would have come at him like the WWE, shrugging off my robe and wrastlin' naked. You know how Koiboy is about cleaning. He steam-bugged the chair until there was practically no varnish left and went through a can of Lysol, cause no one was going to take away that chair from him, but after some convincing, the new chair arrives next week.
The bottom line is that we are safe, and have done nothing but make poop jokes and a laugh about it. Then we realized that morning it was our 9th anniversary! I told koiboy, "At least we got a present, the least he could have done was put a fuckin bow on it."
And so we laugh on....up up and away, Shit Magnet has survived again to create chaos another day.
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