UpStanding

Hey, I'm back. I'm totally not ashamed to say I took a huge dip there for a few months. Work was more than overwhelming, we had to put our 13 year old cat Timmie down and a month later our 15 year old dog, Soda. That makes 3 pets in a year, and we still have 3 more all over the age of 13 to go. What a sock in the gut, and when you ain't got no kids like us, you turn to pets. And when they die, it's like losing a child because you just don't have anything else. So I tail-spinned it through March and April.

I'll be honest, that's the closest I've ever come to a break down. My mind was foggy, I cried as EVERYTHING...and I'm no cryer I assure you, I barely limped through work, dragged my ass home and sat on the couch. We ate out every night practically because cooking was not in my vocabulary. Put a fork in me, I was done and ready to flush myself down the toilet of life.

But hope simmered on the horizon and I took the opportunity to get away for a week. Oh to get out of town....to the ocean none-the-less. I spent the days at Long Beach WA, got a hotel right off the beach with a deck and a fireplace and it was 70 degrees. I slept with the windows open, listening to the waves, walked on the boardwalk about 2 miles a day, explored every nook and cranny of the little town, (no tourists yet) ate out, sampling culinary delights from the sea, and spend hours in a coffee shop writing and watching the locals. It was nirvana and the beginning of my reset. I felt myself starting to slowly unfold from the crinkled foil ball I had wound myself into the last few months.

Unfortunately, when we got home, we had to put the dog to sleep. But it was only 5 steps forward 3 steps back. It really was a relief. That little girl gave us all she had for 15 years and it was time, bless her heart. So after a week of moping, we are getting back on track. I say we, because Koiboy violated our "one crazy person at a time" pact. Yes, Koiboy was in the doldrums right next to me. I think he was just as balled up as I was. I did think about taking antidepressants, but I'll be damned if I let the devil take me.

So I started at home, we rearranged furniture, cleaned, I got back in that kitchen and started to do what I love best, cooking. I made cream cheese lemon sticky buns, Caramel pecan rolls, ribs, potato salad, mango pudding, roasts etc. And amid my flour, sugar, measuring cups and a lot of prayer, I found my smile again. And under my banqueting table, Koiboy found his feet, and we are standing again, eating at home, working in the yard, watching Dexter and American Idol, it's like the nothing never was.

I have just decided that I'm 41. The kid thing is a done deal. It's over. And the pets? Well as they go, honestly it will free us up to finally get out and travel. I'm trying to live above and beyond my job, not let it define my moods and suck me under. I guess I felt that's all I had left to prove I was here, since I leave no DNA legacy behind, to prove myself....well to myself. But I had to realize I'm so much more than my job. I paint, I play music, I've had a lifetime of experiences outside that 7 year old office. That's what I should be developing: "Yes I was working, but hey we visited the Greek Isles!" "Yes, I had to take time off, but we did that Alaskan Sea Cruise!" "Yes I have a job, but I've got 3 painting headed to a gallery for an exhibit"

I had to stand up at work and learn to say, "I just am not able to get to that now, can it wait?" and it seems to be working. But I have to also stand up for the rest of my life outside the office. Be a better wife and not lose that magical curiosity in the world. I need to stand up and get my ass off the couch and spend time with my family and pets, think of something unique and fun to do on the weekends, start socializing again and enjoy it. This summer will be over before I know it, and I don't want to miss a day.

Oh, and we found out this week that they finally caught our Dooky Boy Burgler. He's being arraigned on 2 counts, illegal entering and malicious misdemeanor. I didn't think that would be such a relief, but I find myself sleeping better and not listening to every pop and crack in the house at night.

So I'm stomping my feet, standing up and not settling for any irritations at all damn it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and buy new toilet paper, because the stuff I have now is leaving lettuce in my lady taco, and that's quite frankly irritating. See? I'm not taking anything sitting down any more. I'm standing up.